'I don't want to die alone'

Photo: Getty Images

Re: Elderly feeling abandoned, published Sept. 30

I, like many others during this pandemic, have seen first-hand the effect the lockdown has had on our seniors. While many would correct me to say “B.C. never locked down,” I would challenge that that is EXACTLY what we did to our seniors!

My grandma is 97 years old and had been living in assisted living for the past four years. The facility she lived at is operated by a non-profit, and my mom has worked for the same non-profit at a different facility for 15 years. They operate several facilities across the province.

When the lockdown began, my mom and aunt were allowed in as essential visitors, as my grandma has a history of depression and unwillingness to eat, and they are often the only ones who can keep her eating.

In early April, as the pandemic worsened, my mom and aunt were informed they would no longer be permitted in as essential visitors. We all understood the importance of protecting our loved ones during the pandemic and agreed. It was not long before we would start receiving calls from staff, informing us that my grandma was not wanting to have a shower or eat dinner. Mom would phone the administrator and ask if my grandma was doing OK, and every time she was told, “She’s fine, everyone is having a hard time but they’re doing fine.”

It was finally on Mother’s Day weekend that one of my grandma’s care aids told us that my grandma was not doing fine, and had not been for quite some time. She would not eat and was very weak.

My mom called the administrator to try and get weights, but we found out that they do not weigh residents in assisted living. That is something that is up to the families to do, but we would not be allowed in to do it. My mom pushed for an exception, and we finally found out that my grandma had dropped from almost 100 pounds to 71 pounds. It was around this time that we were told many families had already taken their loved ones home, and that we could do the same. This despite the fact that my mom was a full-time care aid and I also work full time.

Finally, after pushing to be let in, my mom and aunt were again given essential visitor status. When they came in, they found she had lost so much weight her pants were literally falling off, and she was not very responsive. Her community care nurse was brought in and suggested palliative (end-of-life) orders.

The facility told us this was simply a natural decline, nothing to do with the lockdown. Yet, over the next three weeks of daily visits from my mom and aunt, my grandma regained 13 pounds and began to walk around and talk again. It was at this point that the palliative nurse arrived to give the orders, but after seeing my grandma’s improvement, she decided that my grandma was not actually palliative.

During her time in lockdown, she was not allowed out of her room. No hairdressing, no bingo, no socialization. She would be brought three meals a day, that were dropped off on a plate that had a piece of masking tape with her name taped right by the food. While she regained physical strength, her mental state was extremely fragile. She told my mom, “I don’t want to die alone.” Fearing that we would be locked out again as her condition improved, we made the difficult decision to bring her home. Since July, my mom has been off work and caring for my grandma 24/7. She has continued to improve, something that would not usually happen with “natural decline.” She still calls out during the day/night, whenever she thinks she's alone, fearing that no one will come. She still expresses fear of going back to a home, feeling that she will never get to see us again if that happens.

What comes next? We’re not sure. Physically, my grandma is continually improving. Mentally, she still has a long way to go, and may never get back to who she was. My mom’s EI runs out in a few months. We’ve reached out to the Provincial Health Office, the Minister of Health, John Horgan’s office, we’ve put in an official complaint with the Assisted Living Registry. We contacted the ombudsman who assured us that we would hear from the Ministry of Health.

At this point, no one has gotten back to us.

What do we do now?

Scott Ambler, Kelowna