The gift of 'I'm sorry'

I’m sorry!

I lost count of the number of apologies I experienced on my brief foray shopping. I smiled, as the holiday season seems to have upped the ante.

It’s in our DNA; Canadians are known for our propensity to apologize.

We apologize to strangers for the smallest social infractions; these are the easy ones. Learning to become skilled at apologizing where it really counts may be another thing.

When we withhold apologizing where it really counts, we miss out on the benefits an apology can bring.

Some people feel shamed at the thought of apologizing, and others feel shamed until they do; we’re certainly not one-size-fits-all.

I’ve heard many apologize on their deathbed, but we don’t have to wait that long.

While over-apologizing can be expensive to our self-esteem, withholding our expression of regret may come with a bigger cost. It easily creates barriers and reduces intimacy in our relationships, and erodes trust.

Adhering to the famous line from the movie Love Story, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry, ”is a sure way to lose those close to you.

Apologies are fundamentally about relationship repair, with others, but also with ourselves. It’s exhausting trying to defend mistakes and unskilled behaviour, and it’s a relief to just let go and accept our humanity. We all make mistakes, but we are not our mistakes.

While research from the University of Queensland in Australia revealed refusing to apologize caused people to feel more powerful and in control, those who did apologize also felt good about themselves. In this study, people who offered a sincere apology felt enhanced feelings of power, control, courage, and sincerity, as they made efforts to be accountable and repair their relationships.

When we screw up, it’s human to try to justify our actions and build a story around them. It doesn’t feel good when we’re wrong, but spending our time defending or justifying harmful actions is much more expensive to our health and happiness, and it builds a barrier between us and other people.

When we’ve made a mistake or hurt another, we can try to fake it and forge forward without mention of what happened, but it becomes like an elephant in the room. Over time, the room can get so full of these darned elephants we fail to see one another any more. Apologizing helps put conflict behind us, and enables us to move forward.

Learning to apologize where it really matters does take courage, but it provides relief and the hope of rebuilding relationships.

Keeping our apologies simple, direct, and sincere, without excuse, justification or blame is most effective. It’s best to not defend yourself or your actions.

As Benjamin Franklin advised, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”

An insincere apology adds insult to injury. It’s not just the words we use, but our tone and body language that are important. Being sincere in our remorse, and ensuring we make plans to not repeat the same behaviour adds credibility to our words. Corrective action may be required.

Apologize in person, don’t send another to do it for you, as meaningful and effective apology is best done in person. Writing a letter may be a way to begin, but speaking directly with someone we’ve hurt is important. Be willing to discuss new plans for going forward, to avoid repeating the same mistake in the future.

Some say apology is about the other person, but for me, it’s for me as well. Taking responsibility for what I’ve done and standing in the discomfort of my missteps frees me and my consciousness.

This is a good time to consider if the gift of apology might be the best present you can offer at this time of year, for you and for those you care about.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.